I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
