Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
