I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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