I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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