Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
