Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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