How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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