So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize