smell my finger.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
