I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
