Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
