Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
