I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
