seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
