Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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