She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
