hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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