One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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