Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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