Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
