my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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