i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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