Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
