Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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