I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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