Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize