don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
