It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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