Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
