my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
