A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
