Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
