when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
