I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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