I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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