My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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