the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Randomize
