He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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