I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
