The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
