Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
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