get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
