i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
