I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
