Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
she pinky promised me she was 18
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I need to wash the frat house off of me
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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