not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
not ubering you a puppy
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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