The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Randomize
