god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
