my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
