he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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