drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Randomize
