my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
