I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
