1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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