Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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