I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
