i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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