In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
