We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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