And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
