Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize